Godammit i am so afraid he is going to commit suicide i cant sleep. i feel so sick. why did he have to bring it up. could he really do that to me.. or his daughters? fuck.

puke

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drats what a day. I was delighted to see Micheal Patrick. I ate pizza and hung with Mel and Johnny Q who is impossible to be upset around. I fretted internally all day at the fact Dan had still not even contacted me. On the way home from Century3 he texted "thanks for going out of town without telling me" which began a non stop txt argument that lasted till almost 11.

I cried off my perfect makeup twice and then realized this was exactly why Im here. Hes gonna talk now Im gone but he is nowhere to be found for 7 months now? He said i left to hurt him. He called me a cunt. He accused me of coming here to fuck someone? He made me feel horribly for hurting him, when he should be the one acknowledging what he's done to me is the sum total of my departure and that i give the fuck up.

now he cares. now i killed him. im a cold hearted bitch. I wish I could say I was angry but it hurt me alot and despite his shit, I never wanted him to hurt either. Nothing got resolved and I set my phone down and tried to breathe and remind myself that the only way to break this nightmare pattern was to step away from shit. I cant be with him, fuck look at what that has done to me.

I regain my composure and drink my sodas and I run into Kevin. The boy I "dated" right before I dove headfirst into shit with Dan. The guy I had worried at first could have been the father and landed me in some horrific maury povic scenario. We caught up. He kept telling me I am gorgeous. Not a bad thing to hear from a cute boy when your 7 months pregnant. I was glad we weren't on bad terms. as the night progressed It became clear that Kevin likes me still. His friend said you are one gorgeous girl to throw him off his pool game like that... and then he requested a rediculous 80s song and kept insisting I move back. At midnight I went to hug him and he pulled me on his lap in this intensly sweet kiss. He said he missed me...

and my brain fried.

I felt wonderful. happy and hopeful at the same time I felt guilty for hurting Dan.

I dont know what to say other than I needed to get away and stop begging my baby daddy to care before I sit in traffic.

im so confused.

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plus.... New Prints Available

I've added several previously unavailable prints to my shop. Enjoy!

Oh how I have missed my city. Feels more like home than anywhere I've ever lived. I wish moving back later was a possibility but I don't have the means to do it with a baby, alone.

When I got in last night I had the worst clogged ear ever. that and my new fillings make my bite uneven, its enough to drive a woman mad. it popped in my sleep thank effin beezlebub. I held my face over a steaming pot of water bc it made my sinus's bleed. stupid stupid mountains!

The PLAN is to go to my most favoritest place tonight for 80s night. Its embarrassing to go out with this belly but I get free sodas and the chance to see 3568283 essential people at once. hooray it's been too long.

Fuck I miss Lawrenceville something awful. Im staying in the Southside Slopes for the next week. Hell on the legs. but fairly central and I am without my bike obviously. not that i could use it in this snow. which better not ruin the plan.

I haven't heard from Dan in two days now. We argued and i tried and begged him to talk bit he refused and left, like always and I have fucking had it so I left town. I shot him one single text saying "I am leaving town tomorrow for a bit." reeeeeaallly hoping he would come talk to me, or fuck even call, but I got jack shit zero nothing.

I consider myself bringing in the new year completely single.

I am tired of crying and begging him. It's beyond pathetic. He says he cares but Im quite experinced enough to know that words dont mean shit. Hollow sounds without action to give them meaning.

I would not be the least bit shocked if he missed my labor. And at this point Im wondering if she really needs him in her life either.

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Mom is doing something to my hair.
i dont care its just nice to have someone play with it.

not like im going anywhere.



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My personal attributes have slid so far into the negative and undesirable.. that my emotions swell unreasonably and out of my control..

blah blah airi and her egocentric sob story. i made and make the bed i lie in

my feelings of jealousy, inadaquacy and defeat are weakness i welcomed in my tragic loss of will.

i am nothing but a pathetic bag of bones desperate for love and stability. and in my blind and frantic quest i have let the want to believes cloud truthand leave me with neither.

and worse, nothing.

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omg these cupcakes i made.... are EDIBLE!

Getting ready to eat out at my grandmas. Waiting for Dan. Hes always late. heh.

Gogol Bordello is great music to clean to. Just sayin

The house sitting has gone.... incredibly boring i was snowed in alone most of it.
Not good since im trying to not over eat.

i love my new phone. i already inserted a number wrong and got in a fight with the asshole i mistexted. Pfft. I should keep texting him and hope its charging him. jeez. i switched a 7, shoot me. or maybe its a girl i dont know. whichever.